Class is Now in Session

Since my ego is as big as my waistline (though unlike my waistline, my ego is not shrinking), I'll take the credit for both this little number as well as a couple of the articles in this month's Muscle&Fitness. It would seem that my pissiness from a few weeks ago about being lied to by the food production industry has caused some waves in the cosmos.

The CNN article aggravated me to no end. They kept blabbing about the FDA defining "whole grain" and everyone’s reaction to that possible definition, but it wasn't until the third to last fucking paragraph that they actually said what that possible definition actually was. And even then, it's not a very good definition.

"A whole grain must retain its basic structure."

Well what the fuck? How the hell does that help any of us fattys out here decide which kind of bread to buy? Our government in action...

M&F made much happier and I learned quite a few things in the process. Their article "Label Lies" was terrific. Let's learn, shall we?

When you pick up a package of ground beef and it say 85% lean, do you know what that really means? See, fresh meat isn't required to have a nutritional facts panel on it, so you have to do a little figuring to know just what you're getting. 85% lean means the meat is 15% fat, right? That's 15% by weight. 15% of the weight of it is fat. You don't know how much of the percentage of calories comes from that fat and the butcher probably can't tell you either. Meat that's labeled "hamburger" should be left to rot in the case. The government says that hamburger can't exceed 30% fat. Remember, 30% of its weight by fat. Think of that this way. My weight is about 30% fat and I'm considered morbidly obese. How healthy do you think a morbidly obese cow was? Yeah, nice huh.

We keep cereal bars in the office for a quick snack between clients. I'm revisiting them however. Just because it says "Made with Whole-Grain Oats" or anything like that doesn't mean it's all that great for you. The key to look for in things like this is the number of grams of fiber. Less than 3 grams? Move on to something else. I don't care if it was made with saw dust, less than three grams of fiber doesn't do me any good. Now ain't that a bitch?

Take a good look at the ingredients list on that nutritional panel. Do you see any of these? Sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, fructose, corn syrup solids, brown sugar? Do you know what all that is?

SUGAR!!!!!

Every last god dammed bit of it is sugar and you'll see it several times in a label. It's a deception. It is all nothing but sugar. Bastards!

Lots of labels scream how they have No Trans Fat!! Well, what the hell is trans fat anyway? The worst thing I can say about it is that it's manmade. Nutrition experts call is Frankenfat. It was created to increase shelf-life and boiling points, but it also increases inflammation, damages blood vessels and raises cholesterol in us. So, if so many say their product doesn’t have it how do you know who does? Partially hydrogenated oil is your red flag to look for.

So, let's arm ourselves with some power words. The following terms are regulated by the FDA, meaning the food producer can't just put it on their labels for shits and giggles; they have to meet certain standards. Here are the words: Free, Low, Lean (and Extra Lean), High, Good Source, Reduced, Less, Light, More and Healthy.

I don't know the specifics for all of them yet, but here's what I do have: Healthy = less than 3 grams of fat, less than 1 gram saturated fat, less than 480 mg of sodium, less than 60 mg of cholesterol, at least 10% of one of six specified vitamins (A,C, iron, calcium, protein, fiber) High = contains 20% or more of daily value for whatever nutrient in the claim ("High in Vitamin C") Low = low sodium means less than 140 mg and low fat means less than 3 grams.

The most important thing to look at on nutritional label, however, is the serving size. When you pour yourself a bowl of cereal, is it the serving size listed? Probably not. It's probably more like four times the serving size, so you have to quadruple all that info. Do you really put just two teaspoons of dressing on your salad? I sure as hell don't. It's another way they lie to you. They aren't hungry human serving sizes. They're serving sizes that allow the food producer to tell you their product is good for you even when it might not be all that great.

The more knowledge I gain about this little game they play, the less I like eating.

Bastards.

Confessions of a Fat Girl

I found her. Not sure if it's the hair or the fact that she looks that good at 47, but I'm kind of intimidated.

Okay, confession time. I've been very bad to myself. And, you know, that's really what this is all about. Treating myself well or bad. Fat or thin doesn't matter so much as how I treat myself. If I'm good to myself, I'll lose weight and feel better inside and out, but if I treat my body like I don't give a shit, no one else will either and my health will go down hill.

So I've been bad to myself.

I haven't been exercising much. Now, in my defense, I was pretty sick for a couple of days, but that's a piss poor excuse for taking about ten days off. The worst part though, is that I've been eating like hell. Vegetables? What are those? Never heard of them. An apple? Is there caramel involved? I ate twice on Sunday. That's it. Twice. I'm killing my metabolism.

So, back on the wagon this week. Having a piece of chocolate here and there is one thing. Treating myself like shit is another. I deserve better.

Where are they now?

I was really looking at my legs this morning after I got out of the shower and made a startling discovery: My thighs don't rub together anymore!!!!!!

So, then I buzzed my hair, peroxided it white, made a bunch of annoying workout videos, made mondo bucks, had it all stolen from me by my managers and then fell off the face of the earth.

Seriously, what ever happened to Susan Powter? I kinda liked her. I mean, here was a seriously fat person who got off her ass and did something about it and then tried to help others do something for themselves.

Then she got fucked. How screwed up is that?

Yeah, yeah, I know she's annoying, but let's just call her the Princess of Annoying, eh? Tony Little is, of course, the King of Annoying. And we all know the Queen of Annoying, don't we?

Richard Simmons.

Momma wore combat boots and she had the great legs to prove it.

I did a Century Workout again this week. I can't remember off-hand if I've blogged about it before or not. I think I did. Anyway, I wore my hiking boots to do squats this time. I can't believe what a difference they made. I felt like I could use more weight and squat deeper each time. I'll have to use them every time and try for more weight.

I've really started to notice a difference in my arms and legs. I notice mass in my arms and a little more definition in my legs, though they're gaining some mass too. It's exciting to see things changing finally. Really changing.

I wish I had something witty to say, but it's snowing and I'm bored. Just wanted to leave a record of the past week I guess. I didn't work out last night or tonight. I'm hesitant because of the shin splints and I hate the thought of dragging out that damned Gazelle. I'm going to have to though. It's too much like winter at the moment to go running in the park and running here in the building is killing my legs.

I went out and bought a new pair of tennis shoes today. I'm still trying to convince myself to keep them. I can't stand that I paid $55 for them. Yes, I'm a cheap ass. I need the better support to prevent me from getting shin splints again, but $55..... I don't know. It's still up in the air. Why the hell are sneakers so friggin' expensive anyway? It's all synthetic fibers and you know the laborers aren't seeing much of that money!

Maybe if I exercised tonight I wouldn't be so grumpy. Ah, screw it.

No, really! I AM Cinderella! I've just lost weight!

I've gone down half a shoe size. How weird is that? I knew my foot was getting bigger and wider because of my weight gain, but it took six or seven years for me to go from a size 9 to a 10, but in the span of about four months, I've lost half a shoe size.

I still can't get cute shoes though.

My cardio workouts are going to have to go non-impact for a while. I've got shin splints in my right leg. OW. Not thrilled. My black pants are back to being a little loose though, even after my Super Bowl pigout.

*Steelershappydance*

Someone commented on my weight loss yesterday. That always feels good. I still don't see it in my waist line, but I can see it everywhere else. Just keep telling me I have to be patient.

An Open Letter to the Guy Next Door

Dear Asshole,

I have chosen this moniker for you for several reasons. The most obvious is that it fits. I also have no idea what your name is other than motherfucker and I'm assuming that that is your pet name from the women in your life and, therefore, inappropriate for me to use.

Your office has been next to mine for nearly a year now and even though you've never bothered to introduce yourself, I feel I know enough about you to write this letter. I'm concerned, Asshole. I'm concerned about your monumentally shitty karma.

You're a real estate investor, yet you don't have business cards and your name isn't on your door. You yourself admit this is because you buy foreclosure property and resell it. You have a nice corner office. You drive a very nice Cadillac. Your wife wears beautiful jewelry.

Because you're a vulture.

I say again - monumentally shitty karma. And it's already starting to show in this lifetime, isn't it? What goes around...

I'm sure you've noticed how sound travels between our adjoining wall. That's how I know your pet name. It's also how I know your ex-wife still has a hand in your business. You don't like that much, do you? I know your wife hates it even more. She at least gives you a half hour of peace between the ex leaving and her arrival before your next ass reaming though. Thoughtful of her.

Then, for me, there is that blessed one to two hours of quiet at lunch time. Is it wrong of me that I sometimes hope one of you chokes on your french fries or your egg roll and has to go to the hospital, leaving me in peace for the rest of the day?

The most telling time of day in terms of your karma however, is when your daughter comes in. She's not very bright, is she? Shitty life choices have left her with responsibilities and burdens she's just not equipped to handle. I'm sure it pisses you off to no end that she takes her victim's attitude out on you.

Her children are a joy too. I especially like it when they thump into the wall and scare the dozing client on my massage table. I'm just glad my regular 7:00pm client doesn't hear very well. I'm sure she would take exception to your pet name.

Your daughter is also spoiled, isn't she? Another source of irritation for you, I'm sure. Feeling guilty, are we? If I took that kind of tone with my father... Well, let's just say I wouldn't. Respect must have a different meaning in your house.

So, I'm concerned, Asshole. You're here early in the morning and you stay till very late at night. You're here all weekend too. You're starting to look awfully scruffy and worn. I didn't think karma normally came around that fast. Sucks to be you.

Maybe it's time for a change. A new job. A new office (PLEASE!!!). Maybe a nice long walk.

Off a bridge.

I'd feel sorry for you, but you're an asshole, Asshole. You interrupt my business with your screaming family dysfunction. You're rude and you're a vulture of the human condition. You deserve every bit of the grief in your life. However, if you could continue to go about your shitty karmic cycle a little more quietly, I would certainly appreciate it.

Thanks!

The Fat Girl Next Door

P.S. When you go into the bathroom down the hall from our respective offices, you have to turn on the light. Does it not make sense to you that when you leave the bathroom you should TURN OFF THE LIGHT??????

Testosterone Alert!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I know how those bodybuilders get addicted to lifting. I just completed my very first Century Workout. Low weight, 100 reps.

Yes, 100.

I am so PSYCHED!!!! That was such an amazing feeling of accomplishment to push through the pain and do 100 repetitions of an exercise without stopping. The squats were the best. I did all my other legs exercises first, knowing it would make the squats that much harder. I was burning up at 25 and wobbled through the last ten, but I made it to 100 and gave a whoop when I was done.

Total adrenaline rush!!!

I don't think my ass it too happy with me though.