No wonder Mr. Ed had such a smart mouth.

So, after basically taking three months off to live on fast food and play football, I’m back on the fitness bandwagon. Sad, eh? But when you’re driving to Toledo (2+ hours one way) twice a week, you eat whatever you can get your hands on. It’s not set in stone that I’ll play again next year, but if I do, I’ll start putting together meals to eat on the road the night before. I’ve got to do better than eating at the Awful Waffle on my way home from practice every Wednesday night! I don’t care how good that waffle tastes!

Bullshit. Yes I do.

Anyway, back on the bodybuilder’s diet. I tried plain old rolled oats for the first time this morning.

*GAG*

How do people eat that tasteless shit??? It recommends adding a dash of salt.

*DOUBLEGAG*

Was that someone’s sick idea of a joke??? I finally ended up smashing up my usual morning banana and adding it. That made it at least edible. Though not by much. A single recommended serving on the container is half a cup of oats. Most bodybuilding diets I’ve come across say something more like one and a half cups of oats.

Like hell!!

The shit multiplies in the bowl!! I’m bound to lose weight eating that crap first thing in the morning because it will expand and I won’t feel hungry for, oh, I dunno….. A WEEK!!

I’m having to get creative with a new workout too. I subluxed my left shoulder in the last game of the season, so no arm, chest or back work for about four more weeks. Cardio, squats and ab work. Oh goodie.

Who ever came up with the aesthetic that ripped abs were nice to look at? I want that asshole’s name.

Sing, You Fat Bitch! Sing!

Why is the fat lady singing? The football season is over. Finally, truly over. We ended up having slim playoff hopes because another team faltered badly in the second half of the season, but that finally died too. I am left with very ambivalent feelings about the entire experience. Having reread my last blog entry from a few months ago, I can still distinctly remember those feelings. That worthlessness sits very close to the surface still.

But I ended up doing okay for myself.

I did talk to the coach and though I didn’t say everything I wanted to or maybe should have, I said the one thing that was most important to me.

I feel like I’m just a name and number on the roster.

It shocked her. I know it did. I could see it. And in that reaction, I learned something about my head coach. She’s a FEMALE head coach. She looked stricken when I told her how I felt. She wants to win. She desperately wants to win. But she wants everyone to like her too.

Fuck that.

It changed a lot of things for me. I learned to take everything she said with a large grain of salt, because whether she did it consciously or not, often what she said was what she thought I wanted to hear.

Wrong.

What I wanted was the truth, but she couldn’t give me that. She couldn’t give me an honest evaluation of my skills because she had no idea what I was capable of. I don’t even know what I’m capable of at this point.

The insane thing is, I want to find out. Yes, there, I said it. I want to play again.

I want to know what I’m capable of and I want to play football with those amazing women again. My teammates made all the difference in the world for me in the second half of the season.

That’s as it should be I suppose.

Some of the key players probably won’t be back next year. I’m not entirely heartbroken over that. Shitty thing of me to say, but the truth. Most if not all of the people that I want to stand out on the field with will be back though and I want to see how I measure up. I want to spend another season sweating and bleeding and laughing and crying with all of them.

Good grief! I’ve lost my mind!