The Hard Truth

I’ve been staring at this blank page for a few minutes now, hoping I can just fill it with my rage. Just pour it all out. Have you ever been so pissed you just felt exhausted all the time? I can barely get out of bed these days.

I’m so tired of being treated like shit. I had thought I was better about standing up for myself, but what I realize now is that I’ve just been avoiding situations for years. Situations where my abilities might be called into question.

Boy, have I been called into question.

I didn’t expect to play much. I really didn’t. But I’ve also never been on a team where I felt like I couldn’t earn more playing time. I’ve never been on a team where so much of the negativity came from the coaching staff. From the head coach.

It’s not even open negativity either. Nothing is above-board with this team. I walked behind her on the sidelines yesterday during the game. She’s full of snide comments. A coach instructed a new player, a hard-working player that shows up for every practice but still never gets to play, to make sure she made her read before she tried to go for a tackle and the head coach said to him, “She doesn’t know how to make a read.”

THEN WHY DON’T YOU TEACH HER?????????

So, later, when that same coach turned around and was obviously looking for someone to put in and looked at me and another girl that never plays and said, “I just don’t have anybody to put in,” I knew that even though he said it, it was the head coach’s opinion too.

Well, Karma’s a bitch.

We’re hurt. Big time beat up. Of course, they keep playing the same 16 or 18 players all the time. Half way through the season and our playoff hopes are looking pretty grim.

It doesn’t break my heart.

I hate saying that.

I regret going out for the team.

I hate saying that more.

I do regret it though.

Why?

I didn’t need this blow to my self-esteem. I have wallowed under the fat of my own body and hidden from conflict and risk for so long, that to finally break free from that and enter into all of this was a huge step for me.

I didn’t expect to play. I just didn’t.

But I didn’t expect to be called a nobody either.

My best friend – Mel - is the team massage therapist and I told her tonight that I feel like she is more a part of this team than I am. That I would feel like I was contributing more if I was helping with the therapy instead of putting on that uniform and all that padding. I will be the first to admit that part of the problem is my own personality. I do not reach out. I’m not out-going. That needs more effort on my part.

And I need to stand up for myself.

I honestly don’t know if I can do that though. There is a certain amount of self-worth involved in standing up for one’s self that I don’t yet have. In talking to Mel about all this, she encouraged me to talk to the head coach, because even if I didn’t think playing football was worth it anymore, I was worth it.

I can’t help but wonder if I am.

I never realized how fragile I was inside. Lots of people tell me how nice I am and how caring and wonderful I am as a therapist and a person, but all I see when I look in the mirror is a selfish blob that doesn’t have the guts to live her own life. I’m willing to let other people run my life to one extent or another so that when I become unhappy about things I can point the finger at them.

It’s well past time I pointed the finger at myself. Well past time.

The reflection’s just not very pretty.